Shame

There is a big difference between being a bad person and being a good person who has done bad things. It’s a subtle shift in thinking but it might be one of the most important shifts. I have spent a lot of time in my life with the belief that I was defective in some way. That there was a quality inside me that made me unfit, unworthy, or even rotten. If I screwed up and faced anger or disappointment I used it as justification of that belief. Almost like returning home.

And if things were going well, something would nag at me and remind me that a reckoning was coming. That I’d be ratted out; as unfit, unworthy, even rotten. And that part of me is a darkness, it’s a secret. Why would you want to tell someone that you are unfit, unworthy, even rotten? And it grows in secrecy, and it claims territory and it adds a ‘but’ to all of your accomplishments. “I did that, but…” “They like me, but…” It says, “Remember: In the end the only thing you can count on is me, because I know you’re unfit, unworthy, even rotten." It gets angry easily, it hears blame in peoples voices when there isn’t blame. It equates disappointment with disgust. It measures friendship and love by what can be taken away not by what is there. 

And that is what shame feels like. Shame is that secret belief that you are unfit, unworthy, even rotten. To me shame is very different than guilt. Shame is ‘I am a bad person’ and guilt is ‘I am a good person who has done bad things.’ Shame takes away the best qualities that you have, mainly the courage to take responsibility for what you do. And the courage to understand why you do act badly sometimes, and where those impulses come from, and the courage to do something about it. 

In guilt there is hope. In shame there is none. 

                                                                                              - Ze Frank