I'm doing the thing, re: gratitude

   I could watch another episode of The Leftovers tonight, but as I was queueing up the show I thought "is there something better (self-care related) that I could be doing with my time?" And, the answer was yes. Write.

This blog is coming to you in 2 parts, Part One: My Planner

   I have an absolutely terrible memory. I thought using a paper planner might help, being able to see everything at once, write my appointments longhand. I backed a Kickstarter project for the Basics Notebook, a planner that seemed to have all the things I wanted. I finally received it the other day, and it has features I didn't even realize it had or think I wanted.
Daily tasks- what 3 things do you want to do every day this month?
Daily Priorities (under schedule)
Goals - What the goals do you have this month, and what 3 tasks can you complete to get closer to this goal?
What is your monthly focus?
Weekly Activity - There is a weekly positive activity for every week in a year.

   Was this written specifically for self-care? It is too perfect.
Are you able to answer these questions pretty easily? I find it incredibly difficult. What do I want out of this month? Umm... uh... to feel better? The goals I come up with are all huge and unattainable or vague and unattainable. My mind goes blank. What do I want?


Part Two: Gratitude.

   In order to get better I have to do things. I have to take care of myself, I have to grow, I have to build trust in myself. I have to move through it. I decided I'd challenge a friend who was struggling with writing regularly, we'd come up with a topic and each write on it. I imagined how varied our writings might be, what the topic made us think of. I gave a due date of November 11th. Neither of us had written it or mentioned it. I have plenty of time. I have plenty to say. I'd still rather be distracted than think about gratitude, and write about it.

I am grateful for the month of November and the memories I have of AA gratitude dinners.
I am grateful for my bedroom. I like the way it looks, and smells, and feels. I am proud of my nest and I am grateful I've gotten to build it.
I am grateful for my sisters, and my nephews. Those babies have changed my entire perspective on the world, and I am thankful for feeling all of the love that I didn't know I was even capable of.
I am grateful for the fact that I just thought "Am I going to write EVERYTHING I am grateful for? That would take all night..." damn, right?

   Gratitude doesn't feel simple to me, though. It feels... tied to shame. The more I sat here thinking of things, the weirder I felt. I've never thought about it that way before. I shouldn't feel grateful for what I have, because I haven't yet paid for what I've done. I don't deserve what I have.

   Oh, the first week's activity in my planner is: "Each day this week, before going to bed, write down three things that you are grateful for" The planner has no dates, you fill it in yourself & can start any month. So I will start on November 29th, every night that week. I'm doing the things, even when it all feels silly and pointless. Even when I'm tired. Even when I feel fine.